An Open Letter to my son: I loved you long before I met you!

6/27/2019

In a matter of 5 weeks, my world is about to change. I don’t think you or anyone else understands how important you are to me. I don’t think even I know yet. It only took the sound of your heart beating for me to fall in love with you and in that moment, I made the decision that I will do whatever it takes to make you see daylight, and for me to see the light shining back from those eyes. What this meant for me is that nothing and no one that caused me stress or pain would be allowed to stand in the way of the day that we finally meet. Not anymore.

Having the opportunity to carry you inside my womb has been scary for me. Knowing the dos and donts, what to eat and what not to eat, the risks, the dangers. It was a selfless act for me.  I have spent almost every single day, for months on end a crazy, miserable, nervous wreck questioning myself about how every move I make might affect you. I started protecting you from conception. There is no doubt that there have been ups and downs’ moments when I thought I may have lost you, but you have been a strong boy for mommy and you are already so responsible because you took care of yourself so that mommy wouldn’t have to undergo too many problems during this pregnancy. Understanding that everything I felt, you felt made me conscious of the things I was doing and the stress I was undergoing and tried my best to minimize it.

Because of you, I have experienced the kind of love that makes me strive to be the absolute best mother I am capable of being, the kind of love that makes the trivial things in my life seem non-existent, the kind of love that is able to pull me through the toughest times and reassure me that I do have a future; that we have a future. With every kick, flutter, movement, hiccup, ultrasound, and heartbeat comes a glimpse of the end of the tunnel and reminds me of just how thankful I am for the time I have gotten to spend with you and for every second God decides to let us spend together on this earth. Soon, you will be at home, in my arms. But before then, I want to make a  few promises to you.

As I look forward to the day when I hear your little voice cry, and your eyes open to look into mine there are a few things I want to promise you. I promise to love you with all of my being, to teach you everything I had to learn on my own. I promise to not only provide for you but to also teach you how to fish so that you can provide for your family when you grow up.

Life in America is hard for a black man. Your father and I are not together but I promise you that I will do my best to educate you on the dos and dont’s of America and how to stay in the good books of the cops. One of the biggest problems I see in America with young boys is peer pressure and I promise I will try my best to instill leadership qualities in you so that you won’t feel the need to follow and be led astray. Understanding right from wrong will be extremely important to get through and I will make it my priority to find the best schools for you. Schools that encourage you to be yourself and are not biased towards your color.

I also promise you to teach you about girls, relationship, sex and the importance of picking the right partner to be married to and most importantly how to be a good husband and father to your family.

I promise to pray for you every night and every day and to grow you in the Christian faith so that you too can know who God is and the amazing things that he has done in my life, for you and for me.

I promise that I will show you the world. You and I traveling to all these different countries and enjoying life like I always dream of. Me and my boy.

I promise not to bring anyone into our lives that doesn’t add any value to me or you. My next partner will have to accept both of us and treat you as if you were his own.

These are my promises to you and I will fulfill them. I will not be the perfect parent, and I know I will make mistakes, but I promise to be the very best mother and role-model to you that I can be.  I will love you for the rest of my life and be your protector and encourage you to talk to me about anything even if it will hurt me because only then I can truly be there for you.

I love you, my son!

Your Mom – Yanique