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“Sometimes we got to burn some bridges just to keep the distance.”

“I have been thinking lately, we have been having a lot of problems and while we would love for the relationship to work I think we were better off as friends. We didn’t have all the issues we are having now. What do you say we end this relationship but I would still like to remain friends with you?” Let’s talk about the role your exes play in your new relationship when you remain friends with them. The “I would still like to remain friends” is usually something said by one of the parties during a breakup. It is hard to fully let go sometimes especially if the relationship started off as a friendship. I have been there, the idea of losing a friend because you decided to bring emotions into play is not something that many are willing to accept. 

Whilst many might not want to let go, it is said that maintaining a friendship with an ex can be very detrimental to any new relationship. Your new partner might see them as a threat and become jealous or insecure. Your ex might still yearn for you and secretly wait for the relationship to fail so that they can make their move, and your partner might start to wonder if whenever you are having problems if they are the one you run to for emotional support and we all know that may or may not end great, it depends on what angle you are viewing it from, if you know what I mean. The big question however is, is it possible to maintain a friendship with an ex without having sexual or romantic desires at some point in time? Would you cut off your ex because your new partner ask you to do so?

In Jamaica there is an old proverb that says “old fire stick easy fi ketch”. This means that if you were in a relationship with a person chances are at the right moment sparks might start to fly and before you know it, wood starts to burn and the fire starts blazing. The thing is that while fire is said to destroy many homes, when this fire starts blazing chances are the fire brigade may never be called. 

Image result for wood fire burning

Miley Cyrus  “Scars” sings “If I could have just one night to be with you and make it right”, maybe that’s all it would take.  So let’s tackle this from this angle and see how far we can get. Let’s say this is the angle your partner is taking it from. Is he/she justified in requesting that if you are moving on that all ties with your ex gets cut if there are no children involved? Do you think that their insecurity is in play and if they trusted you they would not be putting these stipulations on you? The truth is, whether man or woman the person will not like the idea of you keeping in touch with your exes especially if it’s an ex that you had a special connection with, an ex that got many years from you. All they will see is that there is nothing stopping you from getting close again, you can easily get tangled in their web, because problems can be reconciled, bygones can be bygones. You may be going through some issues and seek counseling from your ex, who then sees it as their gateway back to “heaven”.

Let’s look at it from another angle. Let’s say you were the one that broke off the relationship, the person was not ready to let go and move on but sees being your friend as an opportunity to rekindling the romance sometime in the near future. You might be done, but the person still yearns for you, still look at you in lust and still hope and pray for the day to come when you give them another chance. Do you really know what a person’s intentions are? Can you look at your partner and say that you are 100% sure their intentions are pure?

On the flip side, I do believe an ex can become a friend. Not a friend that you hang out with casually but platonic friendship, especially if the relationship ended on mutual ground. I say this to say in every relationship, despite the belief there is always one person who wants it more than the other likewise breakups and divorces etc. There is always that one person that truly wishes there was a way to work around the problem and that it didn’t have to end the way it did. I think however, that as years pass some couples are able to accept that the relationship just didn’t work and the hurt and pain slowly fades. Being out of a relationship with a person and living separate lives allows for one to truly move on and realize that what the other person is offering is really not what he/she is looking for.

I am not advising you to cut off your exes and maintain no contact with them, what I am saying however, is to weed out the ones you know are unhealthy for your current relationship, the ones that constantly come at you and blame you for the relationship not working, the ones that comments on your pictures telling you what they would like to be doing to you, the ones that still ask you out or express interest in getting back with you. If you have these people around and really want to let your relationship work then it’s imperative that you get rid of them. Move on! Let go! Just stop holding on to excess baggage, it’s only going to let the plane leave you! If you are still keeping your exes around because you hope that one day they take you back then please stop getting in relationship with others. Stop playing with people’s emotions because sooner or later you are going to tell them to you are going back to your ex and break their hearts.

You can clearly see that I do have some mix feelings towards this topic. In an NBC.com poll, 48% of people surveyed said they stayed friends with an ex after a breakup, while 18% said they tried the friendship thing, but it did not work out. You might be part of that 48%, sitting at home thinking, “but I am friends with my ex, and it works out fine!” While it is entirely possible to remain friends with an ex after a breakup, according to statistics, it is not such a great idea. 

What says you? Do you think it’s possible to be friends with your ex or would you cut them off for the sake of your relationship even though you do not see them as a threat? Would you want your partner to maintain any form of relationship with their exes? Like, share and comment!

Your Girl,

Unique Yanique

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